My Light is my daughter. I never imagined loving anyone like I do her. I find myself smiling when I think about her and all her little quirky ways. She is my greatest legacy and one day I will be a big reason why she is so successful, loving and kind. My dark is dealing with my mother’s alcoholism. She is literally killing herself by drinking and I just can’t seem to let go of the anger I have when she drinks. We have always had such a good relationship but now it is so strained I just can’t imagine it ever being the same again. Before my daughter I couldn’t have loved anyone more than my mother. I still love her strongly and the love is always in the shadow of anger.
I’d like to share about the grace and grit that I am experiencing today in my work life. I am in a new, expanded role; today I met with my new supervisor, had an enthusatic meeting with my team, and began planning how to best lead two young employees I get to mentor. AND I am tasked to write a proposal due Friday. While I know this is not my strength, I learned today through dirrect, constructively critical feedback that in this new world I am not ‘not strong’, I am weak in this area. This feedback hurts, my ego fired up to give all the reasons why this is not fair… I was then able to pause, talk to a friend, thank my colleagues for their feedback, and close out with a promise and plan to try again tomorrow. Under my ego I am finding feelings shame and worthiness, fear of not being good enough. So now I pause again, breathe, and sit with the affirmation that I am amazing, even when I feel I am not. I will do what I am teaching, love myself… love yourself… and do it again.
“Light and Dark” speaks volumes to me. There is light and dark in all of us. I have accepted my light and dark. I get to live in the light in my passion, my inspiration as a teacher, and I get to love and give. I accept my darkness in my lack of self-esteem and my righteousness. I have embraced both of those and realize when they come up. Today I am experiencing grace. I am living in my positive body image, my love for myself, my passion as a friend and family member. Yesterday I had grace and grit. My grit yesterday was my self-conscious and doubting of my power, but I overcame. Fear and doubt happen, but I am able to use some of my tools to understand it, where it comes from, and power through. I feel it is good to balance the light and the dark. I get to love myself and all that comes with that.
Thank you for this gentle and permissive reminder that turning only towards the light can actually feel exhausting, like a flower that is always turning toward the sun with no soft closing of the petals to rest in the night. Not giving myself permission to also be in the dark, the effort-filled / the shouldn’t be’s / the I don’t know if I can / this shouldn’t be so hard and so many more, restricts my freedom and I can bake in the “light”. Not making the dark wrong allows me to be curious in it, exploitative in it, and wholehearted in it. I think of how my heart longs to be loved unconditionally but don’t offer this precious gift to self, to be loving in the shadowy bits – not just forgiving but loving. I feel myself open to all of it – that my grit gives me gifts and my darkness gives me insight and my light gives me guidance and my grace gives me my soundtrack to dance through. My current fears around the next stage of life do not have to be avoided, NOR do they deserve the steering wheel! I can at times deny the fear (I shouldn’t be afraid) or derail from it (oh, no, lets not go there) but allowing it to be part of the bigger picture has me looking to it to see what the value is for me there. thank you thank you thank you
The forum is a brghtier place thanks to your posts. Thanks!
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